The wheel turns, lives shift..hearts melt, reform, only to melt again, eyes water, feelings change..energy flows, time continues ticking. Life..goes...on. Tomorrow is a new day, a new dawn on a life of new things..Not started on the back of anything...

Today I will say all I have to say to everyone I have to say it to. Then I will start again, and give my all this time, because I want that. Everything that happens today will be left today..in limbo until such a time as I return to it...if ever I do...

Tomorrow...I start whole, untainted and knowing finally what is right and what is wrong. Once I step from this cave a life I have lived for so long will be gone...but it's right, perhaps it will return to me one day..perhaps not. I guess I am destined to alwyas learn things the hard way..such is life, que sera sera.

Tomorrow I start with all my heart and all my soul, after such a long time without both...and I am back on the ice, begging not to fall, but if I do...then I do...Sometimes we have to take the steps ourselves, realise no one is coming to guide us...sometimes...We ourselves must make the first move towards our destination.

Its all just words and lies, words and lies searing my soul....as I pull back, retreat back. It's my own fault, I will never learn. All just words and lies. So easily slipped out on a breath...but they never come to pass do they?...I am right really and every time I screw up it just proves how right I was not to try in the first place.

It's just hollow sounds...they dont even have meaning..always? Whats that? interpretation.. always is as long as you wish it to be it would seem. I think I have invented a way to cry on the inside..Im quite proud of my new ability...as it rains down through my body not a single tear show on my face, not even the tracks..No puffy eyes, no blotchy cheeks..no constant sniffing. It's much prettier on the inside.

Done is done, I can cry all I like as long as I save it to wash the inside. I guess...whats the point of guesses?...Im glad I have this little book..I have someone in these pages to bear my soul to..to tell it all, to let it flow....if only you had arms to hold me

Ahh well, whats another sledge hammer amongst a million pin pricks.

Take it...for what it's worth, take whatever you wish from me, whats another pin prick amongst a thousand lashes?

I measure time in tears, sweat and the state of my emotion. They are not marcs but another league in my path....so take it, take whatever..my time, my tears, my heart, my blood, my breath...whatever you need. I have no more than that.

I cannot always give what is needed...not for lack of trying but merely for lack of being, I am only Cel, just Cel...I can only try. I am flawed, there is no lie in that, nothing I can say to counteract it. Yes, I am flighty, I make mistakes, I hurt people, I shred things to tatters as I make my way. I am selfish, jealous, needy, demanding. I pout and cry and sin, I dont always try my best, sometimes I dont try at all...I am careless with peoples feelings and hearts...I hide things. I am confusing and rarely straightforward. I can be obnoxious, hurtful, acerbic...hell I dont eat the crusts on my sandwiches.

I struggle upwards, but can never start anything afresh, nothing new. I always have to have a ..something, I am always starting on the back of something. Sometimes I wish I could split myself into lots of tiny pieces, and be whatever is needed whenever it's needed. But wishes are for dreamers, not realists.

Why is it always to have something we have to sacrifice something else, wound something else? My soul is carved in two, my heart bleeds and flourishes in the same breath, my tears taste like a thousand sweet kisses and a thousand bitter words in each and every one to fall.

I am far from a prize for the taking...Im a broken, frightened, lost, shambles of a woman. High maintenance. So take it...whats another pin prick amongst a thousand lashes...Im sorry, the bitter words of regret....I dont intentionally hurt anyone.

Love can save our souls?? Can you hear the wry laugh of irony?

Well lets put a little into it and....I guess we'll see...no pressure

Oh, and just in case I forget

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Grrrr...thats it, thats all I have to say on the matter...on all matters

So without further ado...GRRRRRR

There are decisions we make in life...even though it feels so wrong to do...even though to even comprehend it is to cause yourself a physical pain..in the end, it's a question of sanity.

And so the tearing of one soul,
The breach between what once was whole,
A stream of tears to fill the hollow,
Asunder torn the paths to follow

I can sit and wait my life away, spend eternity pining for the glimpses of happiness caught in the fleeting moments..just me and the moon. I can break all my promises while I wait and wander, I can pray and hope and dream and want, but none of it will change a thing. I will still wait my life away.

When no amount of waiting seems to result in anything but more pain, and more turmoil...do you still wait..in the hopes life will eventually better itself? At what point do you stop yourself and say..perhaps..sometimes...emotion is not enough.

Where I have loved, I will always love...it takes much to destroy love, it merely changes with time. It burns inside you, it leaves either scar or ember..

I cast my caution to the winds, and I chance my emotion somewhere perhaps it may be welcomed. I've not much chance of ought else anyway...he draws me...and the gods only know I have tried to pull away. I cannot, I have memorised every contour of his face, every curve of his muscle..it infects me...I have no idea how he even managed to creep inside my head. I do not know where he came from, nor where I am going.

I hope now, as foolish as it is to allow myself an emotion such as hope, even the word causes the wry laugh of bitterness to rise in my throat, but alas now I allow myself to hope...I hope I have not cast only to find no breeze...only to be left waiting.

I can feel the hammer of irony hanging over my head as I write...tempting fate

So now I walk across the ice...eyes closed, breath ragged with each tentative step towards what hopefully will emerge as the bank...I can hear the soft creak of the ice as it bears my weight, tormenting me, cracking behind me as I edge further forward...where I stood a moment ago is only the icy chill of the freezing water....and...I was right, the hand will not be there to pull me up this time should I fall.

Hope as I will..hope as I do..to have the fire, I have given my soul...please gods do not let me fall

I know it's right, I knew it was wrong....now Im burning

Dagnabit! Tarnation, ...and a whole bunch of stuff I can't say! I can't stop smiling and I look like a damn fool everywhere I go...words seem to spout from my mouth before my brain kicks in to stop them and I feel like ...like....UGH. Gods I feel like an idiot.

People keep asking me about the change in my mood and I am stood there with my mouth agape when I cannot provide them a suitable answer...any small remnant of cognitive thought seems to have flown well and truly out the window with my common sense, pull yourself together!!

Im angry at myself, that I have allowed myself in so deep. There are so many things I want to say but my fear just stops the words dead in my throat...they just dont pass my lips. Sometimes I am babbling incoherently ...much like now and others I can't seem to actually speak.

BAH..I hate feeling this way

Here I am again, me and the moon.........curled up on the jetty, watching the soft ripple of the water. The play of the moonlight as it highlights the tip of each subtle movement on the surface. It's mesmorising in it's own way. The bright white can shine through such a brethtaking range of blues as it refracts on the water. If I were to touch my fingertip to the surface, it would fragment the light so perfectly...the patterns such a simple beauty.

There are no brash sounds here, just the soft creak of the wood as I move, the play of the night crickets, and the soothing lull of the water as it laps around me. Wrapped tightly in my cloak, resting my head on my arm as I write..and just watch.. It's all so peaceful, all so comforting...so why don't I feel comforted?

Lost and torn, I am losing one thing to gain another..always losing...nothing seems to cure me, I wish I..hope I..have found whatever I am searching for.

My life seems to have slipped back into sections of waiting. I am sick of it. Wait for one thing, it happens and then before you know it you are waiting for the next...argh

I sat and watched him sleep, hugging my knees and letting my thoughts take over. I am so scared. Scared of letting go, scared of holding back, scared of going further, scared of running, scared of reactions, scared of not knowing. Scared of actually finding something, of breaking something, of ..wanting something.

Scared I have it all wrong, and it's not what I think. Scared I will do something, and it wont be right. Why am I so lost here? I havent learnt from any of my mistakes at all. Scared because I am no longer in control of it...I dont hold the reins...Im watching it play out. I cant stop it, even if I wanted to.

I sat there telling Amzer he overthinks things...when I am guilty of it myself. Instead of just letting life flow, or casting my cares to the wind and enjoying what I have for the now, I cannot stop the nagging feeling, the itch.

I dont want to allow myself to need, but I think I have aready passed that part...and thats what gives me the fear

Thing is, what do I need?

A farce...thats what life is, a complete and utter bunch of farcical nonsense...thats my conclusion for the day and I am sticking with it. I want a really really big stick and I want to poke life straight in the eye with it. No mercy..thats what it deals me, thats what I want to deal it.

Damage...the story of my life, damaged. The more you try to live it, the more damaged you become, until eventually you've outlived your repair point and ...

Okay, I am possibly a little cynical today...and, slightly crazy perhaps but...hey my feet feel curiously like stamping and so my wonderful little book you are getting stamped on.

You ever have one of those days where no matter what happens you just can't seem to pick yourself out of the sullen mood you started in? And no amount of anything will change it until you have well and truly just...ranted? Or...thrown things about...Or...is it just me?

Irrelevant...todays the day...I think it may have something to do with the never ending stream of problems I create for myself and the fact I just never ever seem to get through them. There comes a point where it bubbles over...not in anger...just ...just...Bah

I need a 10 step plan to sanity...

Any offers?

I hate sighs, I hate frowns...I am sick to death of questions...with no answers and even when I do get answers do I ever get it all?

I just want one conversation with each person to have nothing but completely straight and honest answers. Im so frustrated, I feel like I am running in endless circles.

So, I have come to the conclusion there are alot of things in life that are far more trouble than they are actually worth, you strive and fight and fuss and bother as much as your little being can manage and when it comes right down to it, it was all much ado about nothing...bah...

It was a foolish bet, but...I am curious to see how he plays it out. Given the terms, there are infinate possibilities and it will be insightful to see what he comes up with..so far I think he is merely testing the boundaries of what the terms include...will he be half as imaginative as I give him credit for? Half of me wants him to surprise me, and half is dreading the thought.

I love that we have that kind of balance...that we share the same kind of ..humour, in some senses. It's fresh, it keeps things interesting...like seeing both sides of the coin instead of just the one.

Trust...something I have come to ponder over. In my mind love and trust go hand in hand, you cannot completely love someone if you cannot put your complete trust in them...for everything, with everything. When he brought up the subject of trust I was so shocked...insulted, how could he ask me if he could trust me...he would trust me with his greatest of treasures but not with words?...

It confused me, but, done is done

I had forgotten how much I enjoyed helping people, I spent so long not actively trying that I had missed it.

I said alot of things while he slept, things I am unable to say while he wakes. I dont know what stops me, or why I find it so difficult to express things. I obsess in some respects about things I know I have no control over. I am ...not used to being so, adrift.

This book, this window into my emotions. It may seem so random and, well...a little neurotic, but thats really what I am. Inside, where everyone hides their fears and worries, inside...where everyone keeps that small part of themselves that no one else sees. The little piece of doubt that we all posess and hide from all others.

Nobody ever wants to see that side...they want the confidence, dont question yourself..dont seem lost, dont seem vulnerable...and dont ever, ever just be yourself.

Words wont come today....they are stuck, tied in knots somewhere in the pit of my stomach. Twisting my emotions, toying with me.

Love...why does everything always seem to come back to love. Why do we, as humans, crave it so? In all forms....Why are some people so unable to find something right? ...yes others seem to find it first time. How come, sometimes...you can love too much? How is that possible?...And how come, when we all search for it so blindly..be it, a mothers love, a friends love...a lover.....how come sometimes..love just isnt enough?

Am I the only one that has such trouble even understanding love? playing by it's rules?...I am like a child with a puzzle the size of a lake...and half the pieces missing. I will never understand it, never fit it together and never make it complete.

So I will do it my own way...throw the pieces in the lake and make it up as I go along. Trial and error, I have to be right sometime. So burnt by the flames, seared by the ice, slapped in the face with the wet fish of irony...I figure screw it......do or die trying

And I will just keep trying..one day, I Will get it right

When life gives you lemons, sell them to a lemonade stall and buy ale

Why cant I just say everything I want to...what am I so guarded about? I want it, so much..I think..I dont even know what it is that I want...only that I want. I have never had problems expressing anything I wished to before, be it love, friendship, trust, respect, admiration, displeasure...nothing, I always have the ability to find the words if not the actions to make myself understood. I am so ..annoyed that I struggled

Hate, it is such a strong emotion...I do not hate..much at all. I dislike things, I complain and whine about many things that irk or upset me in some way, but not often do I hate. I hate time, I hate it wish such an unabated passion that it is my one true demon. It is never right...too late, too early, too little, too much...I am either watching it flitter past me, not making sense of word nor emotion until I am too confused to understand...or I am watching it ebb, excrutiatingly slow as I contemplate things over and over, and never reach a conclusion. I can never seem to fit in with it's flow...I am never quite along the same line.

It flies past me when I wish one moment to be a lifetime, and then it tortures me with it's endless methodical plod when I wish it to pass without notice.

I will pay for my sins one day, and my purgatory will involve time....it will consume me whilst I dither ...unable to move forward, unable to move back..just stuck, watching times endless march

I seem to have given all of what I am..but I dont know what I have given it for...I hold out my hands, weigh the air ...and come up with nothing.

Alone, a bed of thorns I have made for myself...each tiny pinprick a reminder. I think the moon and I traded places that night. I stare down at what used to be my life, though I do not feel a part of it, I watch it pass....

I have never needed so much in my life, I just wish I knew what I needed. Still I stand on the ice..

The pain dulled, it doesnt seem real, no real comprehension of what I have done. As if it will nothing happen at all and life will go on as before.

Only when it came time to say the words did I finally feel it deep in the pit of my being, that sense of loss...I've never felt that way before. I do not know what will happen...but que sera sera.

Now all I need....is to step forward..

I wrote this a long time ago, before I had the tired old book, before I had somewhere in which I stored my thoughts....It was in response to ...well, some will remember it no doubt. It feels somewhat relevant now. More so the more I think of it...so

Every bird needs a nest
A sheltered place where it can rest
Where warmth and comfort hold them close
Where love and trust are needed most

A sorrow tune that bird will sing
Where no trust can be found within
When all the love that it holds dear
Is thrown to winds in pain and fear

A frightened bird then slips away
Flitting blindly through the fray
It's heart in loss, will take to wing
And search a sweeter song to sing

For every bird - it needs a nest
A sheltered place where it can rest

I have never felt so hollow, every ounce of my being said no...never cried so much, never felt as if I was tearing my soul in two. But I did...I did. I am going to fall. Time is always my enemy and never my friend, never my healer...only the jailor of my pain. As always...as always, perpetually

Only in those few moments, the ones that pass all too quickly but seem to be nothing more than bittersweet bliss...do I realise my fate. Then there are the endless marcs, the endless marcs spent staring at the cracks in my life, wondering...wishing, but hope is a fools emotion.

There is never enough, or always too much..I waste in the marcs and breathe in the moments. But a moments breath...it's not enough, for as I exhale I sink..sink with the realisation that my moment is over, resigned to another......endless waste, until once again I can breathe.

In the end, time is the death of all things

So I fly again, with a heavy wing, fate resigned to the winds once more. This time I fly with the blur of tears marring my view, no direction, no fight...just the ache in the pit of my stomach...

I give up the moments, to save me the marcs.

I am not whole, it is something I know....but you know, you all know that need to know, what and who I am.

Here is the ice, I stand now in the centre..not moving, just waiting...the banks are beyond reach. I stand on the ice in sight of the flames. Will they burn or save me from the chill?

Im sat, staring at the retreating sun, marvelling at the myriad of sublte hues it's descent creates upon the sky...just thinking. The dusky pink that tints the whips of clouds. The strange light that only dusk can bring...that both heightens and dulls colours at the same time. The first bright twinkle of a wayward star, too eager to keep until the fall of night to cast it's light down upon the earth...and the scent. To close my eyes and breath is an adventure all of it's own.

As I write, while I am sat and the words flow to the page the light fades..the pinks to deep purples at one end of the sky as twighlight descends. The blazing reds, orange and peaches still bright on the western horizon..I feel...alive, so alive right now....and at the same time so lost.

These are the moments, when you can see the world so clearly, that you should be spending it with someone...not just anyone, but...that someone? And yet....there is no one here, no one for me to descibe this wonder, to share this dream..

I want to dive into the lake, laughing as the cool water raises the goosbumps along my skin, enjoying the pure thrill of the moment, and stop...stop to see the look in anothers eye as I catch their gaze. To know they are sharing the same feelings, the same emotions, the same sense of ...acute awareness, have everything fade into insignificance as the realisation passes between us. And yet, there is no one here

Soon, when I place this worn and tattered old book to it's rest, with the moon making it's weary way towards heavens peak, it's cool, pale light dancing upon the soft ripple of the water as it laps languidly against the shore at my feet, I will hug my knees to my chest, rest my chin gently upon them and sit to watch it's lonely ascent along the sky.

Perhaps the moon and I will share that glance? Perhaps it is us two that will share the realisation. All the stars around it, watching it's path, so close...each so bright, so equisite and unique...but none close enough to hear it's words, heal it's pain, rejoice in it's laughter, listen to it's quite song. Nothing to see it's subtle smile, even as the tear passes along it's cheek. Everything so close, but nothing close enough to touch...

Perhaps that is the moment the moon and I will share, I will shed my tear for it, and it shall shed it's tear for me. It as estranged to the stars, as I am to ...

Patience, a virtue so far from anything I posess that it's almost alien in nature I think. I am good at impulsive and spontaneous, I am not good at sitting on my heels and waiting. Limbo, neither moving forward nor moving back, stuck...waiting, always waiting. What for? What is it I think is going to happen if I wait long enough? The only certainanty is death, I can wait myself a lifetime of nothing and the only certain outcome is death and a whole load of wasted time in between.

What do I think is going to happen? There will be no sudden vision, no momentary epiphany, I wont awake one morn and find all the answers laying next to me.......or will I? Have I already? Will I even know it if I did? Or accept it if I was presented with them. Am I even aware of what the questions are? Is it answers that I wait for?

I need something, someone...to pull me up, show me the way, make me understand. Just a little longer, a little longer to find out whats real, what feels real, what seems real...just a little longer

I have sat in this room all day, not once have I thought to venture from it's walls. I have thought, and thought and...thought, to absolutely no avail whatsoever....I am starting to think that it is a fools respite for not actually doing anything. The more I sit and think the less clear anything in my life becomes. What starts out as clear blue skies, suddenly thunder with the clouds of self doubt and endless questions before I even realise. And all because I sit to think...instead of strive to feel.

Is this my problem...I would have said my problem is I often think to little...but alas thinking more does not seem to quell my problems and fears, only ....let them seep into everything.

It's the self arising sabotage, if I break it...then someone else cannot rip the rug from beneath my feet when I am least expecting it. Pessimism is a mans best friend. Expect nothing and never be dissapointed, dare to hope and have your dreams dashed in a moment.

Can you give everything?

She walks in Beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express,
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

He told me whom it was composed by when he read it, I dont think he realised how much that meant to me, the fact that he thought to let me hear it. I love that he shared it with me.

Thank you

I should write something, I know I should...but what? What to say? What is there to say?

I have myself confused again, I know..I...this time I am afraid, afraid for myself, afraid for ...everything. I am always scared of my own decisions, but I cant live like that forever. Yes, inevitability says I am going to make mistakes, more than I am going to get it right but...once in a while, the laws of probability have to land in my favour, just by trial and error alone...surely...right?

I hate that disappointed look, it's like needles in every part of my being. It's worse than anger, worse than grief, pain....disappointment is the prelude to giving up. It's that look that says, I have already given everything I could...it no longer matters, I am just ...disapppointed now. The next step is to just stop caring altogether...and I know, that I will wake up one day, and long for at least that look of disappointment.

Such is the fate of my choices, such is the destiny I control. I have always been so sure before, at least of the feelings involved..

I step now, onto the ice. I tread where it is thin. Either my choices will be right, my directions true....or I will slip beneath to the sudden chilling sting of reality and this time, I dont think the hand will be there to pull me free.

And so we cast our cautions to the winds and watch them swirl and fall where they may. In winds hands we leave our lives.

He was here for a day and gone again...I am going to get burned I know it.

WHAT?...why are they all convinced I am going to know what to do?...I have no clue!...why ...out of all the people in Valorn, would anyone choose to ask me for advice. Especially with regards to love, I am not exactly a expert on getting it right am I? I ...

After the day I am having, I really..I just. Gods I hope any advice I give is right. I really dont want to be screwing up other peoples lives through my own misguided foolishness.

Actions speak so much louder than words. When people are sat telling you one thing, and their actions are so blatantly the opposite...So it is just going through the motions. I feel so...I can't describe it...less.

I.....yeah, thats about it...less

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright,
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies,
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp,
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright,
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye,
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?
anon?


That made me smile so much...a curious moment, in which I felt honoured to be taken as such in anothers eye. Sometimes, when you least expect it, a friend does something so unexpected and so nice....that it just floats you.

Often I am confused, it's somethingI am used to now. In fact, I have lived with it so long that it's become second nature, I would be confused if I wasnt confused. Has it happened, while I wasnt looking did I not notice? Argh, I feel like such a mess...I dont know whats happening from one moment to the next.

Why are we always so afraid to move in unchartered waters. Trust, it is such a difficult thing to come by...I love in passing, freely and without reservation, but to love deeply...to love with every ounce of what I am ...to be consumed, to let go and have that one real true thing...even if for a brief moment. How do you convince your heart to do it? How do you make it feel safe enough to let go enough for another to creep in there.

What makes one able to give in, to relent that last little bit, to be loved and to love fully and entirely. Or is it just that it's not possible, there is no such thing.

Im so scared all the time, wrong decisions and my own stupidity, how can I trust what others say when I cannot even trust myself?

I know what I want, I just dont know if it's real...or if it will ever be mine

I should have just kept my mouth well and truly shut but..as per usual I just couldnt, alas.

I know there are words I want to write, and typically I am back to hiding them from myself. What am I going to do when he comes back.

Can you find everything you ever wanted in one place? What if, over time...your needs change, will the thing that initially worked still do so? Can things last forever, is it even possible? It's more likely that you find something, a little bit of something everywhere, instead of it all being somewhere.

I had a discussion with Iz, a little while ago now, about something similar. He was right. Wasnt he?

The Cleric really made my day today, he always puts up with my foolishness, he allows me to be free, I dont have to be serious, I can just be fun and easy. I love that, no fuss...just smiling and laughing.

I think I have many different sides. Serious, silly, acerbic, loving, mischievious, friendly, angry, gentle.....every person I meet seems to draw a different side from me.

I found it, I found me....and it is so nice to be back there. I did absolutely no good for Amzer, in fact I think I possibly just made it worse, but...I wanted to share with him my new found ..urge for life. To actually Live instead of watching it flitter by. I showed him simple things but, he did not seem to grasp the concept and I was unable to explain it to any degree. Perhaps one day I will hear him laugh again. It can happen.

Questions, asked, unasked..answered and avoided. It is my own fault in reality, I dodge as many things and ask direct questions, I know now how I make people feel sometimes. It can be very frustrating. I am feeling somewhat guilty about it now.

Each moment as it passes, thats all I can do. If I concentrate on that, I know I will not stray too far back into my self induced misery. It's a waste, a waste of my life. I dont want to go back there. I know I will, it's in my nature I guess, but while I have the wit and the will to stay free, I am going to give it my best shot.

I took him to a place I found, I like to show him new things, at least...I did when we still did things together. The air is fresh and clean and so cold that it feels like it is cleansing your entire body. The wind can be biting if you do not seek a little shelter but gods the view is worth it. It gives me hope. He seemed pleased, if a little agitated that I had dragged him out of his tent.

He asks questions, what I dont think he realises is they are questions no one has the answers to at all, they are things none of us ever truely learn, for we are always searching in that capacity. As our experiences change us so do we change with them, so do we reforge ourselves anew. He is lost, but, I think his problem is he cannot accept that sometimes, it's okay to be lost...as long as you have people to be lost with, and I cannot seem to make him realise it.

The Cleric did a good job, it was a beautiful ceremony, I am proud of him. I think it's the first time I have actually seen him be ..clericy, since my own bonding. It makes me smile when I remember there are sides to people we dont always see. Faces presented in each situation that are not necessarily apparent at all times. Gareth the foolish but wonderful is something I see all the time, Gareth the serious and Clerical is not something I see often.

I felt better today than I have in a very long time.....alive again. I thought I had lost that, but it was inside me the whole time.

I feel like an idiot, I feel like I have been completely taken for a ride, taken advantage of. I feel used, emotionally, physically and materially. There comes a time in life when you actually find out who your friends are.

Funny how some people only speak to you when they want something, when they are low or they need to complain or they have no pots or armour or whatever. Then they move on with their lives and quiet happily ignore you for the next however long until they need something the next time.

Well whatever, I dont really care anymore..when I reach the end of my life, for all my mistakes I will know I am at least not the shallow and superficial. Innocence can stay well and truly where it belongs, with ignorance. Everyone is just out for what they can get and no more, they do not wish to know me for me at all, but purely for what I can provide for them.

Why bother...why bother to drain yourself when in the end, whats the point

Why do I feel like I have been played for the fool? What has made me so suspicious of the truth in words? On all sides I feel ...I do not know what is true and whats lies people think I want to hear. People are so quick to say things, ..I dont want to be this person, this perosn tht questions whats bee nsaid...that wonders whether there is any truth in it. I dont want to be jaded. I want back the innocence that gave me the ability to take everything at face value, for purely what it was. I dont want to overthink things anymore.

I have never heard him speak to me that way, with such disdain in his tone. Is that what he is really thinking? Is that how little he thinks of me?

I am so scared now, that I will never trust again...that I will never fully and truly believe things. That I will never have the depth of love or anything. I will always be slightly removed, never truly feeling. In essence I will never be truly happy, because my sceptical nature prevents it. How did I become this...shell?

I want something pure, no lies, no honeyed words. I dont want to hear what people think I want to. I want the pure unmitigated truth, whether I like it or not. I want the hard bits, the things that I know will hurt but at least will seem real, not like lies. I want to know what people are really feeling or thinking.

I am sick of being continuoulsy questioned...with no real answer to provide or to be returned. Once again I feel it all slip through my fingers and I am powerless to control anything at all. I wish I knew a way forward through the fray...I can't seem to catch onto anything to get a hold of my bearings. I dont want to be confused and lost anymore...I have spent so much of my time that way.

I feel like I am repeating myself, in everything. I repeat my words, my actions...my mistakes. Why do I not learn from the things I have done? What do I want? When I sit and try to consider the possibilities of my life I have completely lost sight of any goals or ambition. I dont know who I am anymore, perhaps that is why I am running so often, why I always run....perhaps, through all my insistance I am only Cel....I do not know what Cel is at all.

At least I am consitant in my idiocy, I have that...consitancy. Life is a series of decisions, in my case a series of poorly made, disasterous decisions. I want to make just one move in my life that does not result in someone, or something, hurting. It cannot be that hard, other people do it all the time.

I have all my life ahead of me, and all the moments of it left to choose what I want whenever I want to. Yet, I feel so utterly trapped...trapped inside myself, trapped inside the self perpetuating destiny

I sat and talked with Gareth last night..talked about everything. Everything that felt like secrets. He always accepts anything I say, and never judges me at all. I love that I can be completely honest with him in everything I do.

I dont know where I stand alot of the time with anyone. Even knowing how he feels, he is still there for me, he listens to everything I have to say, and always tries to comfort me. For him to sit an listen while I tell him of the things that have happened shows me just how much he really cares.

*a pure white rose is pressed gently between the pages*

I dont think I have enough energy to go through all this again.